School and college can bring friendship, routine and opportunity, but they can also become a major source of pressure. Workload, exams, attendance, friendships, bullying, uncertainty about the future and simply trying to fit in can all feel overwhelming.
When a young person is struggling, the signs are not always obvious. They may not have the words to explain what is happening, and their behaviour may communicate something before they are ready to talk.
Notice changes without jumping to conclusions
A change on its own does not necessarily mean there is a mental-health problem. It can still be worth checking in if you notice a pattern or something that feels unusual for that young person.
Changes might include:
- becoming quieter, withdrawn or unusually irritable;
- difficulty sleeping, getting up or preparing for school;
- frequent worry about lessons, equipment, friendships or getting things wrong;
- avoiding school, college, activities or people they usually see;
- changes in concentration, motivation or schoolwork;
- regular headaches, stomach aches or feeling unwell around the school day; or
- seeming overwhelmed by ordinary decisions or expectations.
These experiences can have many causes. The aim is not to diagnose the young person, but to notice, ask and listen.
Choose a calm moment to check in
A conversation may be easier away from the immediate pressure of getting through the school gate or completing homework. A walk, car journey or quiet moment at home can feel less confrontational than sitting someone down for a formal talk.
Try an open and gentle question such as:
- “School seems difficult at the moment. What has it been like for you?”
- “I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself lately. Do you want to talk?”
- “What part of the day feels hardest?”
Give them time to answer. If they say “I’m fine,” you can leave the door open without forcing the conversation. Our article Why Young People Say “I’m Fine” When They’re Not explains why an honest answer may take time.
Listen before trying to solve everything
Adults often want to move quickly towards a solution. Before doing that, try to understand what the young person is experiencing.
Listen without interrupting, dismissing the problem or comparing it with somebody else’s experience. You can acknowledge what they have said without pretending to have every answer. Responses such as “That sounds difficult,” “I’m glad you told me” and “We can think about the next step together” can help them feel heard.
For more ideas, read How to Start a Conversation About Mental Health With a Young Person.
Work with the school or college
If school is part of the difficulty, ask the young person who they would feel most comfortable speaking to. Depending on the setting, support might come from a form tutor, head of year, pastoral team, school nurse, mental-health lead or special educational needs coordinator.
Where appropriate, involve the young person in deciding what information is shared. Ask the school what practical support may be available, such as a trusted member of staff, a quieter space, help managing workload, pastoral check-ins or access to counselling.
The support available differs between schools, and professional advice should guide decisions where a young person’s health or safety is involved.
Know when to seek professional support
If difficulties are continuing, affecting daily life or causing serious concern, professional help may be needed. A GP, school or college support professional can help identify appropriate local services. The NHS provides guidance for parents and carers on supporting a child or young person with mental-health needs.
YoungMinds also provides detailed information for parents about getting support from schools and mental-health services.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to the nearest A&E department. For urgent mental-health support in England when it is not an emergency, call 111 and select the mental-health option. Samaritans can be contacted free at any time on 116 123.
Our Mental Health Support & Resources page brings together further organisations and routes to support.
Keep checking in
One conversation may not reveal everything. Continue checking in calmly and consistently. Let the young person know that they do not have to explain everything at once and that asking for help is welcome.
Supporting somebody can also be difficult for parents, carers, friends and school staff. It is reasonable to seek advice and support for yourself rather than trying to carry the responsibility alone.
Why Forever 19 talks about this
Forever 19 Community Interest Company was created in memory of Ethan, who died aged 19 after struggling with his mental health.
Our purpose is to encourage earlier, more honest conversations about young people’s mental health and help families, schools and communities feel more confident noticing when somebody may need support.
You do not need perfect words or all the answers. Noticing, listening and helping someone find appropriate support can be a meaningful place to start.
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